Man Among Men

Hello, lovelies. Do you know about the "Front Page of the Internet" yet? Of course you do. I'll just jump straight to the important stuff: Nick Offerman, best known as tv's Ron Swanson, did a Reddit AMA yesterday. It is 50% cunnilingus jokes, 40% woodworking talk and a 10% blend of Scotch, Lovecraft and Parks and Recreation notes. In short: it is one of the best things that's ever happened on the internet.

Short on time? Never fear. Buzzfeed distilled everything you need to know about this AMA into one image, juxtaposed by the best answer of the whole god damned thing.

The question: "You are one of the manliest men of whom I have ever heard. What is your morning routine that begins a day of badassery?"

Men of earth: this is how you do things. Please, go enjoy this forever (beware, there is music attached to that link).

We Are Not Morning People.

Perhaps someday, we'll be the type of people that get up, first thing.

Make coffee.
Eat a good breakfast.
Get shit done.

But not now. Now, we're the people that GET UP early. But then lounge.

Read shit on our iThings.
Stumble for coffee at some point.
Eat the midday breakfast/lunch combo.

And that's okay. Because sometimes, even after motivating to get into the shower, Violet returns to bed and just keeps on keeping on. Checking Reddit and Buzzfeed like the fucking nerds we are.

And nerds we may be, but make that a nerd with a GREAT ass.

Droppin' SCIENCE.

Yeah, that's right. Because every now and then, you should watch some really smart people talk about how penises work and give you some facts you didn't know about orgasms. TED Talks, y'all!

Half-Smoke Worship

If you've never been to Ben's Chili Bowl, you've never been to one of my favorite places on the planet. Just in case you are one of these poor lost souls, we found you this.

The History of Ben's Chili Bowl from Zoeann Murphy on Vimeo.

I've got a thing for late night greasy spoons (in case you had not already guessed), and I was in love with Ben's the first time I ever crossed the threshold. There isn't much that I can say better than Bill Cosby and the Ali family, so watch and drool for yourself. And let's go get a half-smoke next time we're in DC. Happy weekend, chili faces.

Phew.

Oh, hello. I found another video for you. I know what you're thinking: two days of videos in a row? I know! But, here's the thing: this exists!

Suicidegirls vs Napoleon Dynamite from SuicideGirls on Vimeo.

Yeah! It's Friday, guys! Let's party! There are nerdy naked girls dancing around for us! Girls who are still demonstrating a commitment to Napoleon Dynamite for some reason! Girls who despite trying desperately to look like an uncoordinated loser, still manage to accidentally be really, really sexy at times.

I mean, I think we all know I'm a sucker for those panties, right? Happy weekend, darlings.

And listen, here's a tip: do not miss what we have in store for you on Monday.

Analog Girl in a Digital World.

Sometimes, we feel like all the porn we look at is the same. We complain about this frequently, as I'm sure you've noticed.

via Call Me Balthazar

Occasionally, we come across something so delightfully out of the ordinary, that we have to share it with you. Without further ado, let's talk about Sonia and Balthazar.

Delicately Manipulating Our Carnal Chords.

What I am about to show you reduced me to a drooling, babbling mess that could not complete a sentence until I ate sushi for lunch. I wish I were exaggerating. If I were exaggerating, it would make me a much more normal, sane and productive person. But, since that is no fun, the single most staggering piece of food porn I've seen in months. Click play right now, please.

Okay. How do you feel? Are you alright? Here is what I just said to Rye about this, "I mean that piece of tuna is just the most vaginal-- look. I want to put it in my mouth. I want to hold it there and appreciate it, then chew it, swallow it, and make it become a part of my body."

I don't know, you guys. The way this is filmed, the color on each piece of sushi, individually, the care with which he brushes each piece with exactly the correct amount of soy. It stirs something guttural within me. Something carnal. It delicately manipulates the same chord that great porn does. Which, clearly, is why we share this motherfucking nerdery with you all. Because we know you agree.

Oh, darling, you have some drool on the front of your shirt. Let's get you out of those wet clothes. Right after we go immediately for sushi.

V, a question for the ladies: Got any tips for keeping a devourable v-zone?

Why yes, of course. Beyond the obvious (please be clean, groom how you see fit), and I know this sounds ridiculous: pineapple. Lots and lots of pineapple.

I'm not completely sure what the chemical reason behind this is, probably lots of sugars and vitamins stored up in the sex organs of plants that you're eating (guys, that's what fruit is, I'm not making this up), make your organs tasty as well.

This also applies to fresh strawberries. When I say fresh I mean summertime, tiny little bites of juicy freshness, not the gargantuan, hardened old bitches you can buy in the grocery store in February. Once, after bingeing on strawberries for the entirety of a summer, I gave Rye a blowjob and when he came it tasted like CANDY. Not like, oh, it was so sweet, it could have been candy. IT TASTED LIKE REAL LIFE CANDY.

Again, not a chemist, but probably putting good things in makes good things come out? I hope you have the same results. Please report back.