Another One Bites The Dust

So, we told another friend about our secret life as V+R. A friend we don't see terribly often, but have known for quite a while. A friend who is chronically difficult to impress. A friend we expected to roll his eyes and say, "ugh, of course you do." He's a curmudgeon, which is why we like him.

The response we actually got really threw us for a loop, "Holy shit. No wonder you guys are so happy together." After we'd recovered from our hearts growing a size, it really made us think.

A dramatic representation of my heart growing a size. It busted that flimsy shirt right open!

Three years in, it's crazy how much we're still learning from this experience.

Man Among Men

Hello, lovelies. Do you know about the "Front Page of the Internet" yet? Of course you do. I'll just jump straight to the important stuff: Nick Offerman, best known as tv's Ron Swanson, did a Reddit AMA yesterday. It is 50% cunnilingus jokes, 40% woodworking talk and a 10% blend of Scotch, Lovecraft and Parks and Recreation notes. In short: it is one of the best things that's ever happened on the internet.

Short on time? Never fear. Buzzfeed distilled everything you need to know about this AMA into one image, juxtaposed by the best answer of the whole god damned thing.

The question: "You are one of the manliest men of whom I have ever heard. What is your morning routine that begins a day of badassery?"

Men of earth: this is how you do things. Please, go enjoy this forever (beware, there is music attached to that link).

50 Shades of YECHHHH.

So we realize we haven't talked about 50 Shades of Grey on here. At all.

And we promise we probably won't ever again. For the same reason we don't talk about Twilight or Hunger Games or any other poorly written, young adult skewed boredom. And yes, 50 Shades of Grey is young adult fiction to us, despite the graphic and kinda gross sex writing (the first draft was written with the sadsack vampires from that steampile Twilight in place of the leads, for fuck sake). In our brains, it's in the same field, no matter what anyone will ever say to us. Shit is shit.

A quick aside, stop calling it "my sex"!!! It's your fucking cunt. Your aching pussy. Your quivering quim. Just not your "sex". I just vomited on my keyboard.

Anyway, someone also felt like this book was as silly as we do. And those people are geniuses. Because they hired Gilbert Gottfried.

How did it take us so long to find this???*

Did You Misplace Your Rubber Pussy? China Found It.

Did anyone lose their rubber vagina/anus (sorry, I mean, "rare mushroom"). Maybe it's in China...

Guys, this is the most insane thing I think I've ever seen. And I've seen a LOT of insane shit. I can't stop laughing. Someone call for help.

Via Reddit.

Why Does Sin Taste So Good?

Pervert darlings, it's getting hot where we are. Is it the same for you? Just in case, we wanted to introduce you to our favorite new summer treat: The Vice Lolly.

A Disgusting Old Pervert to Warm All Our Hearts.

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Time Travelin'.

By now, it's highly likely that you've seen these three grandmothers watching the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape. Just in case you haven't, please find three of me from the future below:

Look, you guys. This is one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. But it also highlights something we feel pretty strongly about: this shit is fucking normal, man! Young people didn't invent sex. We've been fucking each other (the Greek way, too) and sucking cock with two hands since time immemorial.

It's heartening to think about all the good years of experimenting we have ahead of us. And how many you have ahead of you. So, please, do us a favor. Go out and make your grandparents proud!