Another One Bites The Dust

So, we told another friend about our secret life as V+R. A friend we don't see terribly often, but have known for quite a while. A friend who is chronically difficult to impress. A friend we expected to roll his eyes and say, "ugh, of course you do." He's a curmudgeon, which is why we like him.

The response we actually got really threw us for a loop, "Holy shit. No wonder you guys are so happy together." After we'd recovered from our hearts growing a size, it really made us think.

A dramatic representation of my heart growing a size. It busted that flimsy shirt right open!

Three years in, it's crazy how much we're still learning from this experience.

The Gentle Introduction of Ass-Play.

My boyfriend is very willing to explore sexually with me, and loves me for the fact that I am so liberated and willing to try new things. However, there is one thing he is very shy about: his ass. Ever since he went down on mine, and took my anal virginity, I have been dying to give him that same pleasure. However, he is one of those men that, to a certain extent, equates anal penetration with homosexuality in men. I have told him I want to go down on his ass, and he is willing to let me, although I haven't done so yet. He knows I would like to try pegging, but I think he is a little afraid of it. Any ideas on how to gently ease him into ass play? 

Back in the Saddle.

I have been having pain during sex, which has led to my husband and I not being intimate very much. I avoid it for fear of pain, and he worries about hurting me. The problem is me sort of involuntarily clenching those muscles and being unable to relax. I can go from being quite relaxed to totally tense in the space of a couple seconds if sex is going to happen. He knows that this is not something I'm doing consciously, and not something that I want to do, but it is driving a bit of a wedge between us, physically. I see there are 'dilator kits' for vaginismus, which seems like a good idea, but kind of costly.

via Hottie, Hott, Hot - by Alexander Tikhomirov

I don't own any sex toys, but since my husband raised this as an issue earlier this month, I have mentioned several times that I am totally open to working on becoming comfortable with sex again. I do want to tackle this but feel a bit lost as a person who just doesn't talk about sex. Help!

The Desire Project.

Oh, duh. Of course we love this. Don't you? You probably already know about it. But, on the off-chance that you don't, please watch the below. The first five seconds alone are worth the whole click and make me laugh every time I watch it. Guys, I've watched it a lot.

That's What She Said: The Desire Project from That'sWhatSheSaid on Vimeo.

That’s What She Said is an ongoing documentary series created by Victoria Floethe and Kate Rose about "what women want and how they get it." I mean, every single time I watch one of these, I end up shouting, "YES! EXACTLY!" at least once. 

On Thank You.

We are so incredibly lucky. You ever get that feeling? You just look around and think, "FUCK. This is good. I am doing it right." That's sort of what my days have felt like lately, and - because I can't help it and this is how I am - I've been trying to take note of what makes me feel that way.

Again, if anyone knows the source of this glorious image, we'd love to know.

Now, bear with me here, because this isn't fully formed in my brain, but what it has to do with is gratitude.

Do you know or have any opinion about the best way to navigate a FWB relationship to try to lead it into a committed relationship or to at least stay on friendly terms after or if it ends?

These things can be quite tricky. To be honest, I've never quite understood the expression 'Friends with Benefits'. It seems to me that the best committed relationships end up being with people who you would consider friends. There should also be benefits. Lots and lots of hot, dirty benefits.

But, I do understand that in most of these situations we are talking about a non-monogamous relationship. Which, I'm assuming is your situation. The answer really depends on your end goal. If you'd simply like to stay on friendly terms after the benefits go away, here is the secret: don't be a jerk. Be kind, be honest, be transparent about your reasons and then do your best to not picture each other naked when you see each other in public. And certainly, certainly do not be jealous if and when they find someone else to, er, benefit.

Translating a fuck buddy into a significant other is tricky business, indeed. But actually, my advice here is not much different. Be kind, be honest, be transparent. Also, be generous with the orgasms. Make it impossible for them to imagine being with someone else. But most importantly, talk about it. Talk about everything. The worst thing that happens to friends who have benefits is that one of the friends develops feelings that they don't share. Those feelings evolve and grow into, sometimes, genuine love. To blindside someone with those kinds of feelings can overwhelm them.

So JUST TALK ABOUT IT. Okay? The kind of person who receives orgasm after orgasm from you, cares enough about you to be your friend, but then doesn't want to date you? Well, frankly, they're using you. If that's alright with you, stick around, by all means! Being used can be lovely sometimes. But once you have real feelings, you have to make real choices. For your own sanity and the sake of your friendship.

How do I get my girlfriend to open up more sexually? Whenever I ask her if she has any fantasies or what turns her on, she replies "I don't know or I don't have any." This makes our sex really vanilla and plain. Any ideas to help us out?

First of all, sorry it took so long to respond to this one. We've been thinking on it for a while and struggling a bit with what to say here.

Ultimately, it sounds like you're stepping in the right direction by asking her about her fantasies and turn-ons. However, some people take more to step out of their shells. And some people are already out of those shells and are vanilla in the center. One way to find out which of those you've got on your hands is to let her know about your own kinks, fantasies and turn-ons.

You may have already done that, but by the phrasing of the question, it seems like maybe you're putting all the pressure on her to tell you and get you going. Flip it. Open up to her, see if she's willing to try out some of your fantasies. It's the only way to find out if you and your partner are a GGG couple or if there's more communication needed to get you to a better place.

Chances are, if you unload some of those fantasies on her and she finds them hot, or is at least willing to participate, it will allow her to feel more confident about opening up to you. And shit, it might even get the mind running, thinking of new things she wants to add to this kinky mix.

Try it and let us know!

Ask us anything. Make it filthy.

Violet, how do you and Rye keep the romance alive? My girlfriend and I never seem to have time for each other or be in the mood for sex. How can we get the spark back between college and everyday life?

Let's be real for a second. Rye and I keep the romance alive by keeping open lines of communication about our needs, wants, fantasies and desires. But also, we're best friends. We really, really enjoy hanging out. Exploring the city together, exploring new food together, exploring each other's bodies together. Together is the key component here.

We have very busy lives. But at the end of it all, we prioritize each other, not because we're supposed to, but because we want to.

When you say you never have time for each other or aren't in the mood for sex, that's a red flag. Not being in the mood for sex, totally fine. We're often not in the mood for sex. In fact, we spend more time NOT having sex than we do having sex. Sex is just a part of our relationship. An important one that we really fucking love, but still just a part.

The more troubling aspect is the not having time for each other. If you're not getting what you want out of this relationship, and need to keep working to make that spark happen, maybe it's an indication of a larger problem. If you're reading our blog, you're probably horny. You're likely jerking off. And you're probably in the mood for sex. But just not with your girlfriend?

Our suggestion, talk about it. TALK. TALK. TALK. What's the root of this problem? And if it's just that you've grown apart, then that's fine too. Go forth and put your genitals in/on other people. Life's short, after all.

But if this talking helps you to address issues that are keeping you distant and aspects of yourselves hidden from each other, then that's awesome too. Work on it. But you'll never be able to move forward unless you communicate.

Good luck! And thanks for the question!

Ask us anything. Make it filthy.