Violet, how do you and Rye keep the romance alive? My girlfriend and I never seem to have time for each other or be in the mood for sex. How can we get the spark back between college and everyday life?

Let's be real for a second. Rye and I keep the romance alive by keeping open lines of communication about our needs, wants, fantasies and desires. But also, we're best friends. We really, really enjoy hanging out. Exploring the city together, exploring new food together, exploring each other's bodies together. Together is the key component here.

We have very busy lives. But at the end of it all, we prioritize each other, not because we're supposed to, but because we want to.

When you say you never have time for each other or aren't in the mood for sex, that's a red flag. Not being in the mood for sex, totally fine. We're often not in the mood for sex. In fact, we spend more time NOT having sex than we do having sex. Sex is just a part of our relationship. An important one that we really fucking love, but still just a part.

The more troubling aspect is the not having time for each other. If you're not getting what you want out of this relationship, and need to keep working to make that spark happen, maybe it's an indication of a larger problem. If you're reading our blog, you're probably horny. You're likely jerking off. And you're probably in the mood for sex. But just not with your girlfriend?

Our suggestion, talk about it. TALK. TALK. TALK. What's the root of this problem? And if it's just that you've grown apart, then that's fine too. Go forth and put your genitals in/on other people. Life's short, after all.

But if this talking helps you to address issues that are keeping you distant and aspects of yourselves hidden from each other, then that's awesome too. Work on it. But you'll never be able to move forward unless you communicate.

Good luck! And thanks for the question!


  1. I think your advice is spot on, with one (slight) addition that I'd make. Sometimes (often) couples, particularly couples with some challenges around sexual compatibility, problematize the AMOUNT they want sex. That's to say, not everyone actually wants to fuck every day. Not everyone wants to fuck every other day. Just read through OKC profiles to see the wide variety of frequency with which people say they want to have sex.

    Where I think many of us get into trouble is that, often, there's a disconnect between how often we actually want to have sex, and how often we imagine a person like us SHOULD want to have sex.

    I'm hypersexual - I see sex everywhere I look, and think about it constantly. But the truth is, I DON'T actually want it every day. I spent a long time feeling bad that we didn't, that I didn't, have sex more. And then I noticed that the problem wasn't how much sex I was having, it was how I felt about how much sex I was having: the truth was, I was having exactly what I wanted (lucky me).

    So: just a caution, to maintain an awareness of the difference between wanting to have sex every day and wanting to be the kind of person who has sex every day, and who therefore perceives her/his "failure" to do so as a failure, rather than a manifestation of her/his actual desire.

    And I love, and am grateful for, your blog.

    1. REAL. TALK.

      Absolutely spot on! We could not have said that better ourselves. Which is probably why we didn't. We were just waiting for you! ; )

      But, in all seriousness, that is an excellently articulated point that I could not agree with more. Thank you so much for sharing your brain with us!

      - Violet.

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