R: There are dudes out there, dudes we all know and have in our lives. And they talk about sex as a "privilege" from their significant other. If they do something bad, fail to do a chore, or otherwise upset their significant other, those privileges can be revoked.

Your kindly editor, Rye.
Here's why this idea is SO beyond fucked:
Women LOVE to fuck.

I know media in all forms tells you otherwise, but it's simply not true. Women have sex drives. Their pussies get wet when they get turned on. And they like coming just as much as you do. Maybe that drive isn't as strong as yours, maybe it's stronger.

If you're the kind of significant other that holds your sexuality as a privilege that only turns on when your man is "behaving" as you want them to, you suck.

If you're the kind of guy that thinks the idea of you having to behave to get your privileges is solid and reasonable, even cute, you suck.

Can we all just grow up a little? Admit that we like getting fucked and stuffed. Relationships are complicated and can be difficult to navigate. Let's not go making them worse by treating your pussy like a cookie or an excuse to get your man to act like a civilized human being or watch less football in order to get a slice.

Be good to each other because you fucking love each other, right? Then have sex as much or as little as you want. And jerk off a lot too. Let's just stop adding weird and unnecessary roles to daily life that feed into our sex lives. Especially when those roles so closely resemble those of the teacher/student and just further speak to this sort of awful American ideal espoused in shitty sitcoms.

Unless it's some sort of dom/sub thing. Then fucking get to it.

Violet, thoughts?

Your lovely co-editor, Violet.
V: Oooh, I just love it when he gets all riled up, don't you? What Rye is really trying to get at with this rant is something so core to what we here at Uncommon Appetites really care about. And that is a really simple thing that we often forget about: mutual respect.

I don't mean to get all scientific on you here, but let's be serious about something for a moment: sex is ridiculous. For some reason, rubbing our grunting, sweaty bodies against each other for enough time in just the right way produces an explosion of nerve sensations and endorphins that feels so good people have gone crazy for it since the beginning of time. Some people write blogs about it, others get addicted to it, we're talking about powerful stuff here.

What I would like, and it seems like this is what Rye is getting at, is just for us all to realize that we have the same components, biologically, and have the same ability to give pleasure to ourselves and bring it to others. So, who gives a shit whether you are male or female? If we all just did our best to be responsible for our partners pleasure, happiness and safety, the world would be a way fucking better place.

To those of you dudes who take pleasure in being a "three pump chump" or whatever, you've got a long road ahead of you. Because as your wife/girlfriend/friend-with-benefits' sex drive evolves, as women's tend to do later in life, she's going to leave you in the dust and start fucking someone who knows where her clit is. Do yourself a favor and start thinking about why it's so easy for her to "revoke" your privileges when you behave badly: because you're probably not really doing it for her when she lets you into her vagina and she's jerking herself off after either way.

Truth bombs. I know.


  1. You asked on Twitter if we consider sex with our SO a privilege. Absolutely. Yes. Without question. But not with the connotation used in this post.

    Without a doubt it is a privilege to be the only person entrusted with giving my husband sexual pleasure (besides himself, of course). No tongue besides my own gets to drive him up the wall with desire. It's an honor to come up with creative ways to make him explode.

    For many years I didn't recognize what a privilege it is for me to have him as a husband and a lover. Someone who is incredibly unselfish, and who puts my pleasure (sexual and otherwise) far ahead of his own. I almost seriously fucked it all up by failing to care for and nurture our sexual relationship. He could have left me. Sometimes I'm surprised he didn't. I am thankful everyday now that I got my shit together and I never forget to show him and tell him how I feel.

    With Spider-Man's indulgence, I will say that with great privilege comes great responsibility. Being offered the privilege of having my way with his body means that I have the responsibility to have my way with his body every so often. He's very happy now that it's just plain often.

    As an aside, "cookie" is our code word for sex/orgasm/masturbation, developed back in the days when we were long distance, communicating our coded desires via AOL IM at work and trying to plan our evening's activities. So yes, my pussy IS a cookie. Or has them at least ;).

    UCA really is the thinking person's sex blog. Thanks.

  2. Very ,very, very well said, Liza! And thanks for sharing. We're so glad to hear that you were able to come around in time to make things right in your relationship.

    As for privileges, we totally agree with your definition and feel the same, completely. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what we were going for, but know it when we see it, like some jackass definition of pornography...

    Thanks again for your eloquent comment, we love having such smart readers chiming in!


  3. Amen, Rye and Violet. Being good and true and honest with one another is what it's all about, and putting ourselves in twisted roles of dominance and submission when we are *already* navigating through so many other roles and stereotypes in our everyday lives is nonsense. And I liked what you (both) touched on about the basics of all people digging sex - men and women alike - because like every other person out there, we are humans, and it is written in our genetic makeup to get it on and get it off. Sure, that drive may differ from person to person, and as a society we've squeezed and boxed sexuality into terribly strange and disturbing arenas, but universally a bigger truth remains: we're all just looking to love and be loved. So it's really flippin' inspiring to see other people doing their damnedest to love in humble, honest, and ever-expanding ways.

    And...thank you Violet and Rye for being so fucking fun, and open, and for sharing your insights and sexiness - I am completely charmed. Loving it!

  4. Thank you for the lovely shout out. It's terribly sad that people who ostensibly love each other (or maybe don't but have decided they want to be together) use sex to manipulate the relationship. It's a testament to how powerful sexual need can be. And to how fucked up our society is about sex in general.

    I love what V said about being honest and responsible for each other's pleasure and happiness in all things. When you find the person who does that for you, and you for them, then it's like a whole new world of delicious possibility opens up. Don't let them go.

    Y'all rock. Keep up the good work!

  5. Gosh, you guys. I am just overwhelmed by how thoughtful and insightful these comments are. We so appreciate your feedback, your passion, your intelligence. So happy to have you as readers and members of the honest fucking community.

    - Violet.