11.29.2012

Flipping the Switch.

"Fuck my pussy like you own it."

It was one of the first times we fucked. I remember it like it was yesterday. In the bedroom of her shared apartment. Late spring. Morning. It was already too hot. Spoon-fucking on a double bed.



For some reason, probably related to the frequency of the sex we'd been having and my alien condom usage (my first marriage was sexless, but condom-free), I was taking forever. She'd come several times already, as she does. But I was still miles away. She must have known.

It was the first time I'd ever heard such a request. And my reaction was perfectly in character.

"What?"

"Fuck that pussy like you own it."

My internal reaction was even more in character. "No, I don't own anything, you're your own person and I want you to maintain that independence inside of this relationship."

It didn't take more than a moment for the switch to flip, however. "This girl is HOT. That is SO slutty. I own that pussy!" In a few seconds, I was coming harder than I'd come in years.

This dichotomy has been an interesting factor my whole life, especially for the sexual me.

While yes, we run a sex blog and yes, we share photos, make videos of ourselves fucking and tell stories about our experiences, I'm also a guy that has been to one strip club ever. And hated it. I prefer burlesque, as it feels more empowered and equal. Or maybe that's just me convincing myself of that.

I've had sex with two women, both of them are women that I later married (this time for the good reasons, but still, the fact remains). I've never had a threesome. I've never really fucked in public. While I talk about sex a lot, both in person and on this blog, my hesitation and awkwardness around real-life sexuality has always been a line of division. For someone so overt, I'm shockingly reserved.

These two parts of me struggle against one another on a near-daily basis. This is usually okay and works itself out just fine, as you've all seen for over two years. But then, there are other times. I go through phases where it feels weird to be overtly sexual, even with Violet. Bringing up sex can seem difficult and sort of embarrassing. I know she wants it. I certainly want it. But the gap becomes this thing, this tension, this really strange elephant in the room. It's fucking weird, basically.

Until a switch flips.
Until I get over myself and my overwhelming brain.
Until I remember that "fucking that pussy like you own it" is not only fun but something we both want.

Come on, switch. Flip already.

23 comments:

  1. Amen brutha. A-fucking-men! Own it...and own yourself..and...the pussy..like she wants you to own it.

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    1. Thanks! Definitely working on it!

      -Rye

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  2. A sound bite for Hollywood. U better ™ it!

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    1. Ha ha ha! The day they make that film is the day I am pleasantly surprised.

      -Rye

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  3. You are a rare breed, you hot, sensitive man, you! ^_^

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    1. Aw, thanks so much! I definitely take that as a huge compliment.

      -Rye

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  4. Great post, Rye. As my friend Esther Perel says, 'Sexual desire is not politically correct.' :)

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    1. Thanks so much, Cindy! And thanks for sharing that quote, definitely something I can connect with.

      -Rye

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  5. I get it, Rye. In past relationships, I've had girlfriends that wanted a simple slap and tickle. The spanking was fun, but the women would draw the line at actual submission. For me that was fine. I felt exactly as you did. We entered that bed as two people that had mutual respect and love, and I wasn't about to chuck that aside. Sex was a celebration of the separate but equal joining together. It's sweet, spiritual, and empowering.

    It wasn't until much later that I learned that the people in the bed did not need to be the same people in living room. Once I accepted this, sex became something more fulfilling and less stressful. Let's face it. Maintaining those equal and separate parameters when the lizard brain in screaming in your ears is a pain. When she says, "Fuck my pussy like you own it!", Violet is telling you, "Let go of the BS, I trust you, I am yours."

    For me and my lover, sex has many shades now. One thing is consistent though. We know that we can be our honest selves with each other. Sex can be making love, fucking, submission/domination. It is tender touches and loud solid cracks of skin against skin. It is slow and deliberate and driven by an animal heart on the hunt. Sex is better than I can recall.

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    1. Love this reply as much as the original post. Words I need to tell my lover. "I learned that the people in the bed did not need to be the same people in living room."

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    2. Amen! Just fucking amen! Totally agree, what a great response. Thanks for sharing your experiences, it really means a lot to me.

      -Rye

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  6. Rye, we must have been separated at birth. Reserved vs. primal is a tension we both share. You are not weird. You're just a really decent dude with a very health sex drive and a crazy-hot wife!

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    1. Thanks, it's really wonderful to hear you're not alone in scenarios like this, since we rarely get to see this view of men in culture.

      -Rye

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  7. I have the same problem.... this blog has really helped me be able to flip the switch when I need to. Thanks V+R!

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    1. Oh man, that's fucking lovely! Really happy that we can help others with their problem by just being us!

      -Rye

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  8. I think we see these images (porn and pictures), read sex stories about other people's sex lives and in our minds believe that this is what a healthy and active sex life should be like. I'm learning that sexual habits are as much diversified as the people engaging in them, and there really is no clear definition of how much sex one should have and/or how good it should be; it depends on us as individuals and how we satisfy our sexual appetite.
    I think the problem that you don't have is acquiring a person beside you who is willing to participate, without convictions, only support. Lucky you Rye!

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    1. Very, very, very well said. We do all have our own sexuality and it's not dictated by anyone else's, at the end of the day.

      -Rye

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  9. Rye,

    This beautifully hit home. Maybe it's that I was raised Catholic, but I'd have to say that unsurety, the battle between arousal and nervousness, between neediness and domination, adds a spice to the proceedings. One one level, I sometimes envy people who can unselfconsciously delve into all of this, operating like happy, thoughtless fuckbeasts, gathering sustenance on the great plains of the hump Serengeti. On the other hand, the intensity that comes from intellectuallizing all those emotions and sensations...well, it's hard to beat.

    Thanks for giving me something to think about!

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    1. Beautifully and playfully well said, Bruce! So happy to provide you with some food for thought and even more so that you were able to connect with your own experiences in this regard. It definitely makes working on these posts all the more worthwhile to hear those YES and AMEN's from you all!

      -Rye

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