If You're Calling It Fingerbanging, Something Is WRONG.

Leave it to Vice. Sometimes we forget how spot-on their advice can be, how biting their wit can be and how utterly correct they are about certain repeated pitfalls of human sexuality -- i.e, "don't slap the bean."

Ladies, when getting taken care of via finger by your partners, we know there are certain things you're dying to cry out. But sometimes we don't. Shouting, "fucking stop doing that, it's terrible!" in the act doesn't appeal to anyone, especially considering how sensitive our collective sexual egos can be.

Toy Cleaner, Yes or No?

{Quick foreword. Foreword for a question? Gosh you have demanding readers. I was going to leave this in your Formspring but it wasn't letting me tell the whole story, so I thought I'd email you instead. Hope that's okay.}

Guys, I did it. I bought my Lelo, inspired in great part by all your sex-positive writing. But when the store clerk asked if I was set for lube & toy cleaner I automatically replied "of course", but it wasn't until I left the store that I realized that was halfway towards a blatant lie. I've always washed my toys with soap and water and didn't even know there was such a thing as cleaner designed specifically for vibrators and the like. (Lube, on the other hand...) So, being that this is my first "high end", proper vibrator, I was wondering how you guys clean and store your arsenal?

Cheers,

Penelope

You Question. We Answer.

We had a slew of questions come in the past few weeks, and here they are, all bundled together in a nice little package.

V+R, Long time follower, first time asker. I am headed out to the woods for a summer job and will be without my partner and the internet for months! But there will be electricity and therefore, porn! Other than Camille Crimson, recommendations?

Whoa! What a difficult blow you've been served! Unless, of course, you WANT to go to the woods for the summer with no partner or internet. In which case, right on! Luckily, Camille's DVD is out very soon (anyone know if it's been released officially yet?). We're also big fans of Erika Lust and the stuff being produced at Blue Artichoke. Take a look into both of those and see if anything whets your appetite.

And when you return, who knows, you might have some new treats from yours truly...

From the Mailbag: Making Love vs. Fucking.

Violet, what's your take on the difference between fucking and "making love"? Do you ever ask to "make love to me"? And is it possible to "make love" anally? My girlfriend says no, as it's a more submissive act, and raunchy. Great blog, thanks! 

V- How do you maintain your hair down there? Do you wax your ass crack yourself? I've been dying to do something about mine.

A hot shower, a warmed razor and plenty of conditioner. Plain and simple. But go with the grain, otherwise, you're gonna have a bumpy mess!

The Gentle Introduction of Ass-Play.

My boyfriend is very willing to explore sexually with me, and loves me for the fact that I am so liberated and willing to try new things. However, there is one thing he is very shy about: his ass. Ever since he went down on mine, and took my anal virginity, I have been dying to give him that same pleasure. However, he is one of those men that, to a certain extent, equates anal penetration with homosexuality in men. I have told him I want to go down on his ass, and he is willing to let me, although I haven't done so yet. He knows I would like to try pegging, but I think he is a little afraid of it. Any ideas on how to gently ease him into ass play? 

Back in the Saddle.

I have been having pain during sex, which has led to my husband and I not being intimate very much. I avoid it for fear of pain, and he worries about hurting me. The problem is me sort of involuntarily clenching those muscles and being unable to relax. I can go from being quite relaxed to totally tense in the space of a couple seconds if sex is going to happen. He knows that this is not something I'm doing consciously, and not something that I want to do, but it is driving a bit of a wedge between us, physically. I see there are 'dilator kits' for vaginismus, which seems like a good idea, but kind of costly.

via Hottie, Hott, Hot - by Alexander Tikhomirov

I don't own any sex toys, but since my husband raised this as an issue earlier this month, I have mentioned several times that I am totally open to working on becoming comfortable with sex again. I do want to tackle this but feel a bit lost as a person who just doesn't talk about sex. Help!

A Bit of Advice: On Foursomes and Pegging.

Hi folks, love your kinky sex fun...was wondering if you ever have a foursome with another beautiful couple like you two? I'd sure love to see that activity and jackoff to it too. Anyway, keep fucking and letting us watch, gives me a good boner...

No, we most certainly haven't involved anyone else. Not to say that we never would, but if we did, it would likely be a third, not a third AND a fourth.

Advice from the Mailbag.

Hey guys, your blog is fantastic. I have a question for you, and I think this is the correct medium to ask it...

My boyfriend is 24, I'm 18, and one of the biggest issues in our relationship is that he's just not that interested in sex. I am a VERY sexual person, i.e. the accounts of your day with Rye (or vice versa) are basically my ideal. I'm not unattractive, I love my body, but I feel as if this extremely important part of myself is ignored. If I try to initiate sex, 9.5 times out of ten I'm turned down. Either that, or he'll say no to me and then five minutes later 'relent' as if its some huge chore. He's told me that there's not much point to sex for him. I feel rejected and unfulfilled. When I've told him of how much it affects me, he tells me to either accept him as he is or leave.

He loves cuddling and less sexual forms of physical contact. But I NEED sexual connection.

What could contribute to his lack of interest? As far as I know, most guys would kill to have someone like me, at least in the sexual fulfillment department.

photography by Mark Maggior

We're so glad you like the blog. Thank you so much for reaching out. 

As to your question: yowsa. What a terrible position for an 18 year old to be in. The first and most important thing I'd like to say to you is that this is probably not because of something you are doing or not doing. In, fact, it probably has very little to do with you and a lot to do with your boyfriend, his past sexual experiences, and the emotional imprint they left on him. 

I'll take a little advice, if you have some. How can a guy help bring out a shy girl's inner domme? The girl is interested on some level but very unsure.

Communicate!

Yes, it certainly sounds as if you have already, or else you wouldn't know that she's interested on some level. However, explore that level a bit. Has she ever tied you up? Not a bad way to get her in that mode. Once you're helpless, it might inspire some of that domme spirit. Grab a pair of cuffs if ropes aren't your thing and let her feel that surge of sexy power as she binds you and does what she wants to your waiting body.

But here's the thing: DON'T PRESSURE HER. No "come one, why not?", no "it's not a big deal, just do it". Make it known that you find this idea hot, that it's up to her how far she wants to take it, and that you're okay with her being that domme. Then communicate before, during and after. Little by little, you'll start to develop that taste for domme. The rest is up to her and how she feels about it.

But just be open, be ready and be supportive.

A Formspring Friday.

Ok, so we know this is biting the style of some other bloggers, namely Liza over at Always Each Other, but having done Formspring for a LONG time, this actually seems like a pretty good way to respond, combining into one column like this. This likely won't remain a "thing", as you probably know by now that we're not big on the schedule thing, but it was certainly fun for today. Questions in bold, responses are not in bold, imagine that!

Thanks to all of you that asked us questions, if you've got one, hit us up!

Cunnilinged.

If you follow us on Twitter, you know that we were on a tear this Sunday. It's a tear we've been on before, and it's a tear we'll undoubtedly be on again. But it all boils down to one simple fact:

Men have great terms for getting oral sex. Women don't.

FUCK that. As someone that LOVES the act of going down on a woman, I'm offended. And I don't even have a pussy, so I know how women must feel.

A favorite pastime, in my bearded phase.

Do you know or have any opinion about the best way to navigate a FWB relationship to try to lead it into a committed relationship or to at least stay on friendly terms after or if it ends?

These things can be quite tricky. To be honest, I've never quite understood the expression 'Friends with Benefits'. It seems to me that the best committed relationships end up being with people who you would consider friends. There should also be benefits. Lots and lots of hot, dirty benefits.

But, I do understand that in most of these situations we are talking about a non-monogamous relationship. Which, I'm assuming is your situation. The answer really depends on your end goal. If you'd simply like to stay on friendly terms after the benefits go away, here is the secret: don't be a jerk. Be kind, be honest, be transparent about your reasons and then do your best to not picture each other naked when you see each other in public. And certainly, certainly do not be jealous if and when they find someone else to, er, benefit.

Translating a fuck buddy into a significant other is tricky business, indeed. But actually, my advice here is not much different. Be kind, be honest, be transparent. Also, be generous with the orgasms. Make it impossible for them to imagine being with someone else. But most importantly, talk about it. Talk about everything. The worst thing that happens to friends who have benefits is that one of the friends develops feelings that they don't share. Those feelings evolve and grow into, sometimes, genuine love. To blindside someone with those kinds of feelings can overwhelm them.

So JUST TALK ABOUT IT. Okay? The kind of person who receives orgasm after orgasm from you, cares enough about you to be your friend, but then doesn't want to date you? Well, frankly, they're using you. If that's alright with you, stick around, by all means! Being used can be lovely sometimes. But once you have real feelings, you have to make real choices. For your own sanity and the sake of your friendship.

My wife has a hard time with orgasm and a very sensitive clit. To the point where it can sometimes hurt her. Do you have any advice for helping her orgasm or ways to make it easier?

Okay! For starters: your wife's clit sounds like every clit in the universe. They are finicky, persnickety little monsters capable of great pleasure and great discomfort. They, not unlike the women they are attached to, require nuanced care and careful attention.

First and foremost: does she own any toys? It is super important to be in touch with your own body and to feel what it's like to bring yourself to orgasm manually. BUT, if we're thinking of this like a distance race (we are, apparently) practice and exercise will make things easier in the long run. Something that vibrates will make this happen quickly. If you and your wife have never owned a toy before, I'd recommend starting with something small and un-intimidating at first, like a classic bullet. This can be used on her own or together and is a great way to warm up.

On the We-Vibe.

From SporePrint, a lovely new reader with a great tumblr and very sexy taste.

"I have a question I’d like to hear you answer on the blog, if you want. You mentioned the We-Vibe in relation to pegging (of which, yay!). What is your take on it in general? I’ve been looking to get one for my partner, but it gets mixed reviews online, and she’ll throttle me if I add another toy that doesn’t get used to our overstuffed toybox."

By now, it's fairly well documented that Violet enjoys wearing the We-Vibe under her harness when we get into some pegging play. It tucks in there wonderfully, though there are definitely issues with it, mostly related to it being difficult to adjust, speed-wise, once it's all up in there.

Whatever you decide, enjoy this photo.

Violet, how do you and Rye keep the romance alive? My girlfriend and I never seem to have time for each other or be in the mood for sex. How can we get the spark back between college and everyday life?

Let's be real for a second. Rye and I keep the romance alive by keeping open lines of communication about our needs, wants, fantasies and desires. But also, we're best friends. We really, really enjoy hanging out. Exploring the city together, exploring new food together, exploring each other's bodies together. Together is the key component here.

We have very busy lives. But at the end of it all, we prioritize each other, not because we're supposed to, but because we want to.

When you say you never have time for each other or aren't in the mood for sex, that's a red flag. Not being in the mood for sex, totally fine. We're often not in the mood for sex. In fact, we spend more time NOT having sex than we do having sex. Sex is just a part of our relationship. An important one that we really fucking love, but still just a part.

The more troubling aspect is the not having time for each other. If you're not getting what you want out of this relationship, and need to keep working to make that spark happen, maybe it's an indication of a larger problem. If you're reading our blog, you're probably horny. You're likely jerking off. And you're probably in the mood for sex. But just not with your girlfriend?

Our suggestion, talk about it. TALK. TALK. TALK. What's the root of this problem? And if it's just that you've grown apart, then that's fine too. Go forth and put your genitals in/on other people. Life's short, after all.

But if this talking helps you to address issues that are keeping you distant and aspects of yourselves hidden from each other, then that's awesome too. Work on it. But you'll never be able to move forward unless you communicate.

Good luck! And thanks for the question!

Ask us anything. Make it filthy.

Variety is the Spice, But Salt is Still the Best Seasoning.

Every day, we get emails, tweets and comments from all of you lovely readers. We wanted to share a recent email that came to us, with a very interesting and sharable question, and our answer to follow:

"Just discovered your blog. It is awesome, and so very encouraging for this twenty-something who until recently thought you could have an outrageous sex life OR a wonderful loving relationship, but not both at the same time. Glad to say my lovely boyfriend has put that idea to rest.

My question is this: do you worry at all that you'll run out of awesome new sex to have? I didn't actually like sex until my current boyfriend, and we have done more new sexual things together than I thought was ever going to be possible. We're exploring things and enjoying the adventure, but I worry that by racing through our wishlists, there will come a time when even hanging upside down with hooks through our faces will seem boring.

What are your thoughts on that? I see that you two have wonderful sexual appetites and that you are clearly committed to exploring and developing your sex life - do you worry that you might one day reach the end of the sexual road?

Thanks for any help you can give!"

What kind of lube did you use for your first forays into anal? What is your recommendation?

We actually JUST answered this for another reader.

http://uncommonappetites.blogspot.com/2012/01/new-to-anal-what-kind-of-lube-do-you.html

Interestingly, a reader commented that they go for olive oil, though it's not recommended for use with a condom, as that shit will BREAK.

Go forth and don't multiply (because you can't have babies from the butt)!

Ask us anything. Make it filthy.

Violet - What do you think of wearing striped socks over fishnets or tights? I am looking for a different look besides those trendy damn boots that everyone has to wear now.

I'm a pretty big fan of wearing whatever makes you feel sexy. Nothing new would ever be 'in' if someone wasn't trying something different. Go for it!

Ask us anything. Make it filthy.

Pegging Tips: Volume 4.

Back again, for the final piece to our pegging puzzle. You've read tips one through three, we hope. If not, get yourself familiar, then come on back. Final five, y'all...

16. Once you've gathered yourself from the killer orgasm you just had from that We-Vibe in your dripping wet pussy, you're gonna want to objectify him. While you push into him, slow and steady, make him play with himself for you.

"Stroke that cock, you fucking slut."
"I want your pre-cum, get me some."