Advice from the Mailbag.

Hey guys, your blog is fantastic. I have a question for you, and I think this is the correct medium to ask it...

My boyfriend is 24, I'm 18, and one of the biggest issues in our relationship is that he's just not that interested in sex. I am a VERY sexual person, i.e. the accounts of your day with Rye (or vice versa) are basically my ideal. I'm not unattractive, I love my body, but I feel as if this extremely important part of myself is ignored. If I try to initiate sex, 9.5 times out of ten I'm turned down. Either that, or he'll say no to me and then five minutes later 'relent' as if its some huge chore. He's told me that there's not much point to sex for him. I feel rejected and unfulfilled. When I've told him of how much it affects me, he tells me to either accept him as he is or leave.

He loves cuddling and less sexual forms of physical contact. But I NEED sexual connection.

What could contribute to his lack of interest? As far as I know, most guys would kill to have someone like me, at least in the sexual fulfillment department.

photography by Mark Maggior

We're so glad you like the blog. Thank you so much for reaching out. 

As to your question: yowsa. What a terrible position for an 18 year old to be in. The first and most important thing I'd like to say to you is that this is probably not because of something you are doing or not doing. In, fact, it probably has very little to do with you and a lot to do with your boyfriend, his past sexual experiences, and the emotional imprint they left on him. 

Variety is the Spice, But Salt is Still the Best Seasoning.

Every day, we get emails, tweets and comments from all of you lovely readers. We wanted to share a recent email that came to us, with a very interesting and sharable question, and our answer to follow:

"Just discovered your blog. It is awesome, and so very encouraging for this twenty-something who until recently thought you could have an outrageous sex life OR a wonderful loving relationship, but not both at the same time. Glad to say my lovely boyfriend has put that idea to rest.

My question is this: do you worry at all that you'll run out of awesome new sex to have? I didn't actually like sex until my current boyfriend, and we have done more new sexual things together than I thought was ever going to be possible. We're exploring things and enjoying the adventure, but I worry that by racing through our wishlists, there will come a time when even hanging upside down with hooks through our faces will seem boring.

What are your thoughts on that? I see that you two have wonderful sexual appetites and that you are clearly committed to exploring and developing your sex life - do you worry that you might one day reach the end of the sexual road?

Thanks for any help you can give!"

It seems like both of you are always up for it. Do you ever have a "not tonight, honey" sort of moment?

Of COURSE we do. We're not machines! Just because we talk openly about our sex lives and like to share aspects of it with you all definitely doesn't mean that we're fucking non-stop. Everyone has their up libido moments and down libido moments, and we're no different.

However, that doesn't mean we're both on the same schedule that way. So it leaves plenty of room for watching each other masturbate.

Ask us anything. Make it filthy.

My fiancé and I have a great relationship but whenever we go 3-4 days without sex I pretty much shut down and take on a sour attitude. She's busy a lot so I don't think more sex is the answer. Any thoughts?

Whoa now! 3-4 days and you're going sour? Allow me to point you to the third question on this week's "Savage Love." Go. Read. Now.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=10890931#thisweek

I can understand getting upset after longer periods of time, as I was in a marriage where I got a handjob/blowjob/sex once a month. And that was IT. Try that and then talk to me about being sour.

3-4 days between sex is healthy. Break that shit down and you're getting fucked just over 91 days a year! And that doesn't account for those times it's more frequent than every 4 days.

I love how sexual you and Rye are. I have a high sex drive myself. My boyfriend doesn't though. He never has sex with me unless I initiate it, and I feel bad because I want it at least once a day. I like toys, but with him wielding it. Any suggestions?

Passion breeds passion. Or at least we've always found this to be true.

Making out usually leads it's way to more advanced measures, doesn't it? It certainly does for us. Rarely, if ever, has there been a makeout session that hasn't led to something with the two of us. Unless it's in public, in which case it leads to something more later on. Plus, if it doesn't, it makes you feel closer, which is never bad.

If you like him working you over with toys, the grab one and get started. I know that's you initiating it, but there's no better way to show you want it than by taking it and running. I'd be quite shocked if when you pulled out a toy and started working your pussy he didn't jump right in with offers to help. And if he doesn't, there's a bigger issue here.

Short of this, try talking about it. Is that his particular fetish? That he likes it when you lead? Is he a submissive? Open up a discussion about it. Maybe it is just that his sex drive is much lower than yours. And maybe it's not. But open and sexual means clear lines of communication. If V and I aren't having as much sex as we normally do, we fucking talk about it. Even in the most nonchalant ways. It doesn't have to be big planned thing. And sometimes talk about sex can lead to some pretty great sex. Or at least a mutual understanding about what's going on.

And if it IS a simple case of your sex drive being higher than his, get your once-a-day fill with yourself. And send him pics or video while you're doing it. That'll get his engines running better than anything. I mean, a lower sex drive just sounds like a challenge to me...

Ask us anything. Make it filthy.