Advice from the Mailbag.

Hey guys, your blog is fantastic. I have a question for you, and I think this is the correct medium to ask it...

My boyfriend is 24, I'm 18, and one of the biggest issues in our relationship is that he's just not that interested in sex. I am a VERY sexual person, i.e. the accounts of your day with Rye (or vice versa) are basically my ideal. I'm not unattractive, I love my body, but I feel as if this extremely important part of myself is ignored. If I try to initiate sex, 9.5 times out of ten I'm turned down. Either that, or he'll say no to me and then five minutes later 'relent' as if its some huge chore. He's told me that there's not much point to sex for him. I feel rejected and unfulfilled. When I've told him of how much it affects me, he tells me to either accept him as he is or leave.

He loves cuddling and less sexual forms of physical contact. But I NEED sexual connection.

What could contribute to his lack of interest? As far as I know, most guys would kill to have someone like me, at least in the sexual fulfillment department.

photography by Mark Maggior

We're so glad you like the blog. Thank you so much for reaching out. 

As to your question: yowsa. What a terrible position for an 18 year old to be in. The first and most important thing I'd like to say to you is that this is probably not because of something you are doing or not doing. In, fact, it probably has very little to do with you and a lot to do with your boyfriend, his past sexual experiences, and the emotional imprint they left on him. 


It is legitimately possible that your boyfriend's sex drive is just much, much lower than yours. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with not recognizing how your communication about your low sex drive might make another person feel shitty about themselves. Like you. His girlfriend. I am very curious as to WHY sex isn't important to him and would love to see him articulate it to you. "Accept me as I am, or leave," is not really in the spirit of building a relationship based on love, trust and mutual respect. That is the kind of relationship everyone deserves, especially someone as young as you are.

That you are only eighteen and are already capable of expressing the fact that sex, sexual desire and sexual satisfaction are important to you puts you about sixty gazillion paces ahead of most people your age. I would hate for that ability and the, no doubt, amazing person attached to it to be wasted on someone who either does not have the desire or the ability to appreciate it. 

So, my dear, it's time for the hard question: does your relationship with your boyfriend offer you enough happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction to counter-balance your lack of sexual connection? Although we've never met you two or seen you interact together, from where we sit, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like, right now, you two are friends who enjoy each other's company and the occasional snuggle. My best advice would be to salvage the friendship you have with this person, if it is important to you, and focus your energy on finding someone who will sexually and emotionally complement you. You two don't really owe each other anything at this point, and dissolving your relationship before things get more complicated may be the easiest and best thing to do. 

You are eighteen. You have a lifetime of wonderful, weird, thrilling exploration and experimentation ahead of you. Nevermind most guys, most PEOPLE would kill to have someone as comfortable, open and honest about their sexuality as you are. Don't waste too much time with someone for whom it does nothing. 

We wish you luck on the adventure. If you continue to embrace your sexuality, and be as forthcoming with it as you are, believe me, someone wonderful will notice.