Want To Get Your Fucking Socks Knocked Off?

Well, we have to talk about something. It's going to be really hard for me to be objective about it, so you're just going to have to be fucking patient because I'm about to make a lot of declarative statements about a vibrator.  Mmmkay? Here we go.

You need to buy a fucking LELO Ina right fucking now. Do not fucking delay. Buy it for your girlfriend, or wife, or friend who needs to have eleventy orgasms. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for someone you don't even know yet so that when they meet you they'll know how thoughtful you are. Go buy one. Save your pennies if you have to -- I know it's an investment. But just go buy this thing.

Am I being clear enough?

Look. You know I wouldn't say it unless I really, really meant it. I suppose that there is a universe where this particular toy may not work for you. Maybe you need a longer shaft and less clitoral pressure. Maybe you'll think the buttons are confusing. Maybe you hate orgasms -- I don't know.

What I can tell you is that the Ina is the answer to my vagina's sex toy prayers.

The shaft, I will admit, was a little intimidating at first. It feels REALLY big the first time it goes in. But once the motor meant for your clit makes contact, you will forget all about that, I promise you.

Please be prepared, this thing is powerful. Plug-into-the-wall powerful (even though it doesn't). There are settings that roll the vibration back and forth between your g-spot and your clit in a fluid motion.

Am I telling you that the Ina does what magical Labyrinth Bowie here is doing with those balls? YES. That is what I'm telling you. (I mean, if you're done being convinced, you can just click here, buy it, and move on with your life! If not, I'm going to keep going, you guys!)

With other dual stimulation vibes, I always feel like I'm doing more work than the toy is, trying to get my clit into just the right place. The Ina does not give you a choice ladies. She is here, she is here for your clit and there is not one single god-damned-thing you can do about it.

There's one setting I haven't quite figured out yet. It so sporadic, so intense, I almost can't handle it. On the first use, I paused mid-jerk-off, withdrew, and made Rye hold in his hands so he could understand why I was freaking out so hard. It still makes me spazz out, but in kind of a pleasant way.

Despite Ina's industrial vibration strength and seemingly unrelenting pressure, it is incredibly quiet. The material is silky, comforting to the touch and -- most importantly -- safe, as it's made of silicone and non-porous plastic.

Also, I will just never, ever tire of receiving a sex toy in a box that looks like it holds fine jewels or very good champagne. LELO has really got my number in the merchandising design department.

To summarize: I know this thing is expensive. You are normal for having sticker shock. But you will not need to buy another vibrator until LELO invents something better. And I really just cannot guess when they will top the Ina.

*This product was provided to us free of charge by Eden Fantasys in exchange for an unbiased review. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines. If legal jargon gets you wet, you're welcome, perverts.