One Way or Another.

Dear procrastinators of the world:

Did you wait until the last minute to buy a gift again? Is your girlfriend going to be disappointed yet again, by your inability to plan ahead and get her a gift that she'll love? Well, lady and gentlemen procrastinators of the world, if you have a bit more money than you have time, I have a suggestion.

Her name is Uma. And she just might make your special lady very wet.
If you're not in the habit of giving out sex toys as holiday gifts, allow us to try to sway you briefly: it will definitely get used, it won't get re-gifted and there will probably not be many duplicates.

Let's have a little nitty gritty, shall we? Everything Je Joue makes is gorgeous. Anyone who has ever been inside a sex shop can tell you that. The Uma is no exception. Its contours are delightful, it's pleasantly weighted and the material feels like angel's skin that's been gently massaged by hands in cashmere gloves and marinated in honey. Okay, it's really soft, is that clear? Really soft.

This is meant to be a g-spot vibrator. We all know I am finicky about these things. The Uma was no exception. I found the part meant for insertion to be uncomfortably thick. Rye of course reminded me that his cock is absolutely thicker, but we all know that no matter how soft a piece of plastic you're talking about, plastic is plastic and a dick is a dick. That said, if you are going to use this internally as a g-spot vibrator, lube is a must. That honey-angel-skin material provides delightful friction that can quickly become uncomfortable friction if you're not properly soaking. Let me say it one more time so that you'll be happy and I'll be happy: lube is a must.

Here is the only thing I hate about the Uma. I mean really, really 100% despise. The buttons. These buttons seem to be designed to keep you from having an orgasm. Maybe Je Joue wants to make your wanking session last longer? Listen, these buttons were constructed this way for a very important purpose: total, complete waterproofness. That is an admirable and exciting quality and I can't wait to submerge it in my bathtub very soon. However, their solidly sealed design also makes them IMPOSSIBLE to use in the moment. The pressure required to turn it on and off is quite intense. The dexterity required to hit that little middle button that cycles through the modes is absolutely idiotic. There is no possible way that switching modes will not take you out of the moment. God help you if you get lube on your fingers! You'll never be able to turn it off! Maybe it requires a bit more practice. Maybe it requires a re-design.

All this said, I did manage to make myself come with this thing, hard and repeatedly, so take this little button rant with a grain of salt. This thing is great. I just wish they had asked us ladies about the buttons first.

As I said, I have a finicky g-spot. Once I coaxed the Uma inside, it felt good, sure, but it just wasn't quite doing what it was meant to in there.

Here is the most important thing you need to know about the Uma: It's has probably the best, strongest, rumbliest vibration settings of anything that doesn't plug into the wall. She is serious about getting you off, one way or another and when pulled out of my pussy, slick with lube and applied directly to my clit with a little g-spot assist from Rye, that is precisely what she did. On a test run while Rye was still at work earlier in the week, one of the vibration modes (quick, jerky little buzzes like a drum beat) made me come before I even realized I was trying to. As a clit vibrator, this thing is amazing and destined to become a favorite in the Violet + Rye household.

The aforementioned Rye assist.

I know exactly what you're thinking. You are like, "V, you sound like you hate and love this thing." And yes, you'd be right. I hate the design of the buttons. I hate telling you to drop a pretty significant amount of coin on a thing that is just not quite perfect. BUT, if you have a little extra to spare and it will not break the bank, you will use the Uma over and over despite those stupid fucking buttons. Because the Uma will get you, one way or another.

*This product was provided to us free of charge by Eden Fantasys in exchange for an unbiased review. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines. If legal jargon gets you wet, you're welcome, perverts.