|via Hottie, Hott, Hot - by Alexander Tikhomirov|
I don't own any sex toys, but since my husband raised this as an issue earlier this month, I have mentioned several times that I am totally open to working on becoming comfortable with sex again. I do want to tackle this but feel a bit lost as a person who just doesn't talk about sex. Help!
Firstly, I want you to go see your gynecologist and talk about this with her/him. They will be able to determine whether the pain you are having during sex is actually primary vaginismus (which is a psychological issue) or something else. Sometimes I find (as a mid-level hypochondriac) that just having someone explain the physiology of something to me really helps.
Also, I think you should sit down and take a little personal inventory: When was the last time you had sex? When was the last time you enjoyed sex? When was the last time your husband made you come and vice versa? What about those times was good and how can you work your way back there together?
Regarding your idea about the dilator kit, that seems to be a helpful thing for women who have this issue because of something physical. If you and your doctor determine that this is a psychological rather than physical problem, it seems to me that if you're going to put something in there, it should be something that feels really good.
This is to say: YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY BUY A VIBRATOR. They are wonderful and exist for a reason. Good feelings breed more good feelings. Endorphins breed more endorphins. Before you even consider making penetration feel good, you should get yourself back into the swing of things by focusing on clitoral orgasms. I find that any time I'm feeling particularly sensitive to penetration, a warm-up orgasm relaxes everything. You should work on this on your own, a few times. To remind yourself that you can do it. And to remind yourself that you WANT to do it. Also, when the time comes that you are ready for vaginal sex with your husband again, Something That Vibrates should ABSOLUTELY be involved with your clit to keep you relaxed.
Just asking this question indicates that you really love him and to genuinely want to make this work. So, here is the thing: it is absolutely fine to have a lower sex drive than your partner. What is not fine, is not talking about it. It is not fine for you to feel inadequate and him to feel rejected.
Also, Rye makes an excellent point: you know what doesn't have anything to do with vaginal muscles/penetration? Cunnilingus. Fellatio. Making out. Those things are all just as important and would probably go a long way towards relaxing you both.
I'd love to open this up to you guys. Has anyone ever dealt with this kind of situation before? Any advice for our reader?