N'Joyed.

Please, let this post serve as a warning. To anyone that is looking to buy an N'Joy Purewand for yourself, for your significant other or for a friend this holiday season, this is what will happen to their pussy.

You've been warned.

The Sex Sessions.

As you well know by now, we've been fucking busy. And not too busy fucking. New jobs, busier jobs, exhausting jobs, blah blah. We love them, but the whole neglected sex bit needs to change.

We took to it this weekend. On Saturday, despite having a list of things we needed to get done, a laundry list of errands and things we wanted to go eat, it was thrown out the window. Instead, I told Violet she'd get five orgasms and we'd figure the rest of the day out afterward.

She didn't turn that offer down, because who turns that offer down?

Too Hot For Instagram.

Fun with Instagram...

Two of these no longer exist on Instagram. Can you guess which two?

Also, if you're on there, give us a follow, we're UCAppetites.

Flipping the Switch.

"Fuck my pussy like you own it."

It was one of the first times we fucked. I remember it like it was yesterday. In the bedroom of her shared apartment. Late spring. Morning. It was already too hot. Spoon-fucking on a double bed.

New Tricks

Okay guys. I have to confess something to you. I haven't always been very good at masturbating.

"Violet, WHAT?" you are probably saying to yourself. And I know. You'd think that someone as vocal as I am about sex (both alone and with others) and taking control of your own self-pleasure would definitely have the proverbial kinks worked out in this department. What could possibly have led to this bizarre deficiency? Quite frankly, I'm just going to blame this on my clitoris.

Relief, In Multiple Ways

We are completely obsessed with Clayton Cubitt's "Hysterical Literature" series -- beautiful women reading their favorite books while getting taken great care of with a Hitachi under the table. What's even better about this episode? Aside from featuring the scintillating Amanda Whip, who we happen to be completely obsessed with, 50% of the tips on this video will go to Hurricane Sandy relief.

Hysterical Literature: Sandy Relief from Clayton Cubitt on Vimeo.

Click over to the Vimeo page to donate! (Also, if anyone knows who gets to be under the table for these things, please tell us. We have so many questions for you.)

Hangovers and Blankets.

There are weekend days that start with this.

Hungover.
Lounging.
Coffee.
Blankets.
Records.

And sometimes, there are weekend days that also end with this.

We've had a couple of those days recently. Here's one of them.

Violet+Rye Make Love Not Porn.

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Sext Me Your Sexty Parts.

Modern technology means that one no longer has to suffer through an entire day of work without seeing their partner's glorious parts. This was yesterday's glorious part.

Digging in the Crates.

We found some things in the archives. Some of these may have posted before, but we doubt you're going to care. Enjoy!

Formspring Friday.

Why haven't you blogged in ages? You're missed :) xx
I know, right? Thanks for missing us, but it looks like we're coming back! There'll be a few posts this week, and hopefully we can keep that momentum up, even with shifting schedules and busy ass calendars!

What's Rye's favorite thing you do to him that makes him ready to go in a second?
Ready to come or ready to fuck?

For fucking, I'm definitely a more direct guy. I love it when she'll unexpectedly grab my cock, either through my pants' fabric, or by slipping a hand right down and taking hold. She'll usually fondle my balls while she's down there, which serves as a great reminder that sex is something we like to do.

Also, if she's ever in underwear and bends for any reason, that ass is like a beacon.

For coming, there's a move Violet does when she gets on top, I just call it "her move," it's a bucking of the hips in a forward motion combined with tightening, then loosening her pussy that basically gets me off in a matter of seconds. And she knows it all too well.

Revenge of the Fall.

On Saturday mornings, when the weather turns a bit shit, there's an awful lot of hanging in the apartment that goes down. Sometimes, during those long, lazy stretches of time, as you sip your coffee and browse through Tumblr, you turn to find your lovely wife planking, stretching and doing a bit of yoga. In very little clothing.

Stormy Gets Hysterical.

While many of you have probably seen this fourth installment of our new favorite video series, we're sure some of you missed it. Or don't mind watching it again.

This one is especially lovely because we've seen Stormy Leather perform burlesque right here in Brooklyn. If you're ever able to catch a show she's in, definitely take advantage, it's well worth the cost of admission. And then some.

Flip Out!

While many of you have come to know me as a fan of the prostate and the toys that stimulate it, you might also wish to know that I'm as inexperienced in the ways of male masturbation sleeves as I am familiar with prostate massagers.

That was until the Tenga Fliphole arrived.

Hysterics.

I'm sure you all vividly remember Clayton Cubbitt's "Hysterical Literature" video. You know, the one with Stoya reading a book while getting rubbed on with a Hitachi under the table? The one with the insanely hot orgasm where you could only see her amazing facial expressions as she rode out the pleasure wave? Yeah, thought so.

Well, we've got great news for you. The third in the series is now out.

Formspring Funday.

It had been quite some time since we checked out our Formspring and to our surprise, we had a whole slew of questions waiting for us!Rather than give them to you one at a time, we thought it best to lump them together into one nice little package. We likes packages (yes, we meant cock, we're that obvious). 

Enjoy!


Any idea when the invites (to makelovenotporn.tv) are going out? Really looking forward to the new vids. You guys rock!

We're removed from that part of the process, but I do know that there are about 35,000 on the wait list, so at this point, having access is less common than being wait-listed. But they're working on it as we speak, so we hope you get one soon! And thanks so much for the support!

Have you guys ever thought about playing with a Fleshlight or Cobra Libre? Wife and I just started experimenting with these male toys. Figure she has "male substitutes" so why not try some substitute fun for me too.

Funny you should say that... Rye just got sent a Tenga Fliphole to test. I think he's in love.

Man Among Men

Hello, lovelies. Do you know about the "Front Page of the Internet" yet? Of course you do. I'll just jump straight to the important stuff: Nick Offerman, best known as tv's Ron Swanson, did a Reddit AMA yesterday. It is 50% cunnilingus jokes, 40% woodworking talk and a 10% blend of Scotch, Lovecraft and Parks and Recreation notes. In short: it is one of the best things that's ever happened on the internet.

Short on time? Never fear. Buzzfeed distilled everything you need to know about this AMA into one image, juxtaposed by the best answer of the whole god damned thing.

The question: "You are one of the manliest men of whom I have ever heard. What is your morning routine that begins a day of badassery?"

Men of earth: this is how you do things. Please, go enjoy this forever (beware, there is music attached to that link).

Rye, Pegged.

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Snow Day.

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Use Your Hands.

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Saturday Morning.

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Bulging Rye.

Sometimes, mere minutes before a friend arrives for dinner, you let your wife know that there's nothing but one layer of fabric between you and a very throbbing cock.

So throbbing, in fact, that Violet almost bent over for it right then and there. But instead, we behaved and documented the evidence like good hosts.

Trimmed Thursday.

Oh, good morning!

Off to work I go. Hope your day is as great as my bush is shorn!

That Something.

There are some days when you work late, come home tired, settle in for a drink and find that though he isn't there, your man has left you photos of what he did that day. So then you masturbate. Even though you feel too tired, something has spurred you on just enough to make you go to town on yourself.

This is that something.

Making Love, Not Porn.

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You'll Jerk Off Too.

I know I did. Several times over.

There's something about seeing her reactions and not knowing just what's going. Yet you also kinda know exactly what's going on, don't you? It reminds me somewhat of Beautiful Agony, the site that shows only faces of people as they come. It's really fucking hot, so if you like this, maybe check that out as well.

In the meantime, what the fuck are you waiting for, unzip and take a look at this beauty.

Welcome Back.

So, there are times when these things happen.

You take a vacation.
You get really sick on said vacation.
You start a new job.
You move.
You lack internet for about a week.
You get internet back.

And here we are.

The Sucking and Fucking Tour 2012.

Well, today marks our departure for The Sucking and Fucking Tour 2012. We'll be off for the rest of the week, at beaches and assorted nice places, most likely eating and drinking things, showing a lot of tit and being generally unacceptable for public consumption. We might be checking in sporadically in case someone urgently needs us and our frank sexual chatter, who's to say?

Enjoy your weeks, you lovable gang of perverts!

Want To Get Your Fucking Socks Knocked Off?

Well, we have to talk about something. It's going to be really hard for me to be objective about it, so you're just going to have to be fucking patient because I'm about to make a lot of declarative statements about a vibrator.  Mmmkay? Here we go.

You need to buy a fucking LELO Ina right fucking now. Do not fucking delay. Buy it for your girlfriend, or wife, or friend who needs to have eleventy orgasms. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for someone you don't even know yet so that when they meet you they'll know how thoughtful you are. Go buy one. Save your pennies if you have to -- I know it's an investment. But just go buy this thing.

Am I being clear enough?

Stand with Fred.

Oh, hey. Do you think it's weird and a waste of police officer time to arrest an old dude jerking off in a porn theater? Cool, us too.

You've probably heard about the Fred Willard arrest by now. We're big fans of his comedy and we think he got a shit deal the other day.

Let's be honest, it's not like most of us haven't jerked off in public before. We just didn't get caught. And if we did, we're not celebrities, so not everyone fucking knows about it.

Cheap Pizza and Tits.

Some nights, after you've been sick for a little too long and are more than a bit burned out, only one remedy will do.

Pizza.
Naked.
Couch.

And so it was.

Tit-Lit.

Hey there, literary tit lovers and tit havers, we've got some news for you. We've started a new tumblr, which showcases both good lit and great tits.

It's called Tit-Lit.

If you follow us on Twitter, you've heard us talk about it, and may have already seen it. Either way, we want to give you a holler today about a very important issue, submitting your tits.

That's right. This tumblr is a community oriented blog. We want photos of you with a good book and your top off. Violet's got a few shots up, with a fresh one posting today. And Rose Redder, our friend that wrote this great post, and co-creator of Tit-Lit, also brought out the tits with the Didion.

Two.

Years, that is. Today marks it. We've been doing this motherfucking sex blog for two motherfucking years.

And now we're done.

Beers and Boobs.

This summer has been FUCKING HOT, guys. Like, really, really hot. The kind of weather that inspires you to stay inside instead of heading out into the swamp mouth that's consumed the city.

Our new friend to help us through this overheated summer is none other than Corona Familiar. While we think Corona is pretty fucking terrible as far as Mexican beers go, this Familiar stuff is strangely not bad. The weird catch is that it's EXACTLY the same beer as Corona Extra, but the brown bottle keeps that nasty ass skunk away from your beverage. Also, it only comes in 32 oz. bottles, so you pretty much have to throw down on it. Toss a lime in that bitch and you're SET for a glorious summer evening. Even in the swamp mouth.

4th, Part 2.

Where were we?

This is where we left off, right?

Oh right, the 4th...

After a day in the park, we landed back at home. We had a party to go to later, but we needed some decompression time, from our decompression time. Mostly, we mean sex. And snacking. But mostly sex. So yeah, things went DOWN.

It's Handjob Time!

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Oh, I See What You Did There.

Oh, you're just playing your instruments?
It looks WAY dirtier from where I'm sitting.
Carry on.

Channel Orange.

Frank Ocean (who you may know from our video, Violet+Rye or from all the press about his recent post on his tumblr, which discussed how he fell in love with a man*) has his debut record, Channel Orange out today. Lucky for us, he put a link to a full stream on his tumblr.

You should probably just follow his tumblr already, right?

From http://frankocean.tumblr.com

 So anyway, the reason we're gathered here is that I already listened once this morning. And...

IT'S GOOD. It will be on for the rest of our summer. THAT good. REALLY, really GOOD.

Stop letting me blather about it, go see for yourself.

*The reaction to this news coming from a large majority of hip hop fans has been absolutely fucking disgusting and we're horrified. We've got a LONG way to go, people. It's just SEXXXXXXXX!!!

4th, Part 1.

What did you do on the 4th?

V+R.

Let's Go-Go.

This weekend, we were fortunate enough to be in the crowd for the Wasabassco Stagg Party at The Bell House. Although there were many delights that evening (Madame Rosebud made a delectable appearance, as did Marlo Marquise who was literally on fire, and we will never forget Gal Friday and Peekaboo Pointe's bounce-off), one of our unexpected favorite moments was the go-go intermission. Note to all performance spaces ever: a go-go intermission is the best kind of set break we can think of.

Nasty Canasta via Stagg Street

Ten Things.

You should definitely read this piece, 10 Things They Should Have Taught Us In Sex Ed. That is all.

Oh, and while you're at it, sign up for this. TRUST.

New Things.

New things.

Jobs.
Apartments.
Schedules.
Projects.
Etc.

This is basically just an acknowledgement that we've been a bit inconsistent lately. And if not an apology, at least a "yeah, we know..." to all of our lovely readers and friends.

We'll be back, don't you worry.

The Drawer.

After Penelope wrote in with her question about the need for sex toy cleaner, several of you asked to see how we store our INSANE amount of sex toys. Today, we show you.

50 Shades of YECHHHH.

So we realize we haven't talked about 50 Shades of Grey on here. At all.

And we promise we probably won't ever again. For the same reason we don't talk about Twilight or Hunger Games or any other poorly written, young adult skewed boredom. And yes, 50 Shades of Grey is young adult fiction to us, despite the graphic and kinda gross sex writing (the first draft was written with the sadsack vampires from that steampile Twilight in place of the leads, for fuck sake). In our brains, it's in the same field, no matter what anyone will ever say to us. Shit is shit.

A quick aside, stop calling it "my sex"!!! It's your fucking cunt. Your aching pussy. Your quivering quim. Just not your "sex". I just vomited on my keyboard.

Anyway, someone also felt like this book was as silly as we do. And those people are geniuses. Because they hired Gilbert Gottfried.

How did it take us so long to find this???*

Did You Misplace Your Rubber Pussy? China Found It.

Did anyone lose their rubber vagina/anus (sorry, I mean, "rare mushroom"). Maybe it's in China...

Guys, this is the most insane thing I think I've ever seen. And I've seen a LOT of insane shit. I can't stop laughing. Someone call for help.

Via Reddit.

Why Does Sin Taste So Good?

Pervert darlings, it's getting hot where we are. Is it the same for you? Just in case, we wanted to introduce you to our favorite new summer treat: The Vice Lolly.

Toy Cleaner, Yes or No?

{Quick foreword. Foreword for a question? Gosh you have demanding readers. I was going to leave this in your Formspring but it wasn't letting me tell the whole story, so I thought I'd email you instead. Hope that's okay.}

Guys, I did it. I bought my Lelo, inspired in great part by all your sex-positive writing. But when the store clerk asked if I was set for lube & toy cleaner I automatically replied "of course", but it wasn't until I left the store that I realized that was halfway towards a blatant lie. I've always washed my toys with soap and water and didn't even know there was such a thing as cleaner designed specifically for vibrators and the like. (Lube, on the other hand...) So, being that this is my first "high end", proper vibrator, I was wondering how you guys clean and store your arsenal?

Cheers,

Penelope

This Video is the Tits.

It's also adorable, catchy and in French. We can't get enough of these cute-ass tits.

Vincha - Les p'tits seins from Vincha / 7titres 7clips on Vimeo.

A Disgusting Old Pervert to Warm All Our Hearts.

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We Are Not Morning People.

Perhaps someday, we'll be the type of people that get up, first thing.

Make coffee.
Eat a good breakfast.
Get shit done.

But not now. Now, we're the people that GET UP early. But then lounge.

Read shit on our iThings.
Stumble for coffee at some point.
Eat the midday breakfast/lunch combo.

And that's okay. Because sometimes, even after motivating to get into the shower, Violet returns to bed and just keeps on keeping on. Checking Reddit and Buzzfeed like the fucking nerds we are.

And nerds we may be, but make that a nerd with a GREAT ass.

Droppin' SCIENCE.

Yeah, that's right. Because every now and then, you should watch some really smart people talk about how penises work and give you some facts you didn't know about orgasms. TED Talks, y'all!

My Name is Rye and I Have Body Issues.

Yes, that's right. An admission must be made:

I've got body issues.

I put naked photos of myself online, videos of us fucking, even a video of me jerking off. And yet...

Body. Issues.

Now, I don't want this to come off as a whiny, woe is me thing. Or some form of seeking approval or drawing a compliment. This isn't about that. I've been blessed with a pretty great metabolism and based on what you may have seen of me, you might think "fuck that dude, he's just being a whiny asshole, he's lucky, blah blah." And that might be the case to someone reading this. And that's okay. Sure, I do have a pretty great metabolism and am lucky and on and on. BUT, this is just my way of airing some shit that I've dealt with for quite some time. Regardless of whatever the perception of me might be, what's going on in my brain is something different. And something I think I might finally be defeating.

And with that out of the way, let's dive right into the deep:

You Question. We Answer.

We had a slew of questions come in the past few weeks, and here they are, all bundled together in a nice little package.

V+R, Long time follower, first time asker. I am headed out to the woods for a summer job and will be without my partner and the internet for months! But there will be electricity and therefore, porn! Other than Camille Crimson, recommendations?

Whoa! What a difficult blow you've been served! Unless, of course, you WANT to go to the woods for the summer with no partner or internet. In which case, right on! Luckily, Camille's DVD is out very soon (anyone know if it's been released officially yet?). We're also big fans of Erika Lust and the stuff being produced at Blue Artichoke. Take a look into both of those and see if anything whets your appetite.

And when you return, who knows, you might have some new treats from yours truly...

Summer is Here.

There are summer days, where you're returning from the beach.
The night is warm, so you walk home for the final stretch.
The city is mostly gone. Off to vacation homes. Or visiting family.
You sneak glances.
Stolen moments.

Summer is here.

Lather Up!

Remember what we said about outdoor showers? Yeah, we stand by that shit.

Lather up, let's do this!

A PSA on Nasty Toys.

Apologies in advance for getting a little serious on you today.

But you need it.
Your vagina needs it.
Your asshole needs it.
Your brain needs it.

As you know, we're huge fans of sex toys around these parts. What you might not know, however, is that we're also super crazy organic people that don't keep any harsh chemicals in the house. Our bodies are too important to us to allow that kind of shit in close proximity. And you can bet your ass that our bodies are also too important to be putting those same harsh chemicals IN our bodies. You know, through the pussy. Or asshole.

Yep, this may surprise some of you (hopefully it doesn't, because you're well aware of this by now), but a lot of sex toys contain really terrible shit. And that terrible shit goes right into your hoo-ha when you get yourself off with it.

For REAL.

Rye Cleans Up.

For someone with such a filthy mind, he cleans up nicely. It is seriously way too rare that we get to objectify him in quite this way. Lathered up, stark naked, bathed in sunshine. I just love the way the water spins off all his parts. We think you will too.

Also, of note, outdoor showers are basically the best places in existence.

From the Mailbag: Making Love vs. Fucking.

Violet, what's your take on the difference between fucking and "making love"? Do you ever ask to "make love to me"? And is it possible to "make love" anally? My girlfriend says no, as it's a more submissive act, and raunchy. Great blog, thanks! 

Farewell to Prime Burger.

Yes, we've posted this before.
And yes, we're posting it again.

Because today, Prime Burger will serve its last burger.
Yep. The building was sold and they will cease to be after today.

Farewell, Prime! We hope you come back soon, in a new location. And yet, somehow, we doubt it.

Always Thinking of Us.

A few mornings ago, after I left for work, Rye took matters into his own hands.

He was kind enough to document that for us.

Humunuh.

"So, I sent you a video," he said.

"Sent me a video where?"

"Oh, to our porn email."

Here is what I found, and good god, am I happy to share it with you perverts.

With No Pants On.

R: We always have such good intentions about Uncommon Appetites photos on vacation.
V: Well, I took my pants off in the street yesterday.

Violet tweeted this while we were on our trip. And you bet your ass (and hers) that we'd be showing you the results.